Writings: Eulogy for a lost loved one by Beth Bowser

For a loved one who left me in 2020 Eulogy Click here for a printer friendly version of this page

A troublemaker from the very beginning, you made enemies easily and friends somehow even easier. One look at your open face was all that was needed! That face, full of delight twinkling in your eyes from every action you took, allowed everyone you wronged to forgive you without remembering or caring what you did that required forgiveness.

You were active. Vital. Taking the world by it's horns and showing everyone you were the boss. I used to call you the iron stomach as no matter what you ate, you'd suffer no ill effects. More than that, you were the iron constitution as nothing got you down, not yells, taunts, or punishments. Ill effects ran from you! Most important to me, you always had time for me. You stuck by me when illness struck me and didn't complain once during all the nights I made you stay. I couldn't sleep without your comforting heat touching me, convincing me to stay strong and resilient.

You rolled with all the punches life sent your way, but you started changing. You still had smiles for me, but the days of troublemaking were as gone as the open face. You grew more guarded and while delight still occurred, it had become an uncommon thing. You were still present yet, you liked to be around everyone, but you watched from the sidelines now. No longer taking an active part, no longer the boss.

Then you got sick. I did everything I could to research your illness, took you to many doctors, set up a diet plan for you to follow, but it was not to be cured, only managed. It hurt to see you as diminished as you were. It was my turn then to stick by you. I took you on adventures to try to get another glimpse of the nearly forgotten delight you had previously. You were slow, had issues getting around and I felt your bones much too easily from a simple touch. Gone were the nights of sleeping near your comforting heat as you didn't need that in your illness. I persisted in trying to keep you as happy and healthy as possible so you could stay with me for longer.

Until the unthinkable happened. I still haven't accepted it, I have no idea when I will. I knew you weren't going to recover, but you weren't that old and I was not ready to say goodbye!! Especially the way it happened. I still remember your screams some nights as I try to sleep uncomfortable and alone. I was supposed to protect and care for you, but there was nothing I could do as you screamed and hurt yourself worse in seizures. I couldn't even hold or touch you while the once twinkling light in your eyes dimmed to blackness. The last thing, the last gift, I was able to give you one of you favorite foods which you hadn't been able to eat in years because you were following my diet.

Self-hatred ensued. Who was I to have kept your favorite snacks from you? And who was I to try to force you to exercise and adventure? Was it not selfishness masquerading as altruism? I required your presence, but never asked myself if it was worth the price you were paying. My help may have just left you more sad stole away what little happiness you could have been able to experience otherwise. Any other end had to be preferable to the reality that happened.

I'm so sorry. Do not forgive me. I don't deserve it.